If you do a survey amongst women on ‘What makes a man attractive?’, you get as the number 1 answer: Presence.
When you ask the men what makes a woman attractive, you get the top ranking answer: Presence.
However, I have to admit, men use different words for ‘presence’.
For women it is very clear, if a man is not present but half of him or worse more in his internal la la land, it’s a no-go. Men however use words like sexy, blond, dark, green eyes etc. but trust me, they mean presence. And yes, I know there are exceptions!
Make eye contact.
I’m saying this because the single most counting factor when it comes to intimacy is presence. Take a look what happens when you have eye contact. Eye contact is the first and easiest lesson in the classroom of presence. Grade A starts with eye contact.
First big mistake men and women alike make is: they stare. Second mistake: they are present to their worries what the other may think about them. Since both are worried, no one is present. Consequentially it is a disaster, decorated by boredom or awkwardness.
Here is your practice:
1. Do not stare or look towards them, but be present as your own energy (centeredness) and let the other come in without messing up the space by ambitious expectations.
2. Have no agenda! The energy of the presence of an agenda is repulsive. Openness and genuine curiosity is gold.
3. Don’t grin. If your soul smiles, let your face follow. Learn to be comfortable not needing to grin.
4. Breathe! Relax your chest and your tummy and let the breath happen while you are allowing the other to ‘come in’.
5. Don’t freeze. Be loose in your body and rest naturally in the present moment.
If you practice these 5 essential rules, you open the doors for magic to happen.
Intimacy starts with presence.
It is such an incredible experience to be able to receive another’s energy (if their energy is also coming from presence). When two ‘presences’ meet and connect, a magical union is happening between the two energies. You are witnessing a happening that is not under control of the mind, its agenda or the subconscious’ fears. That witnessing of yours and the other’s energies mating is pure pleasure.
In my Mastery of Intimacy Retreats, that is the foundation for everything that follows. In the advanced stages, we enter whole body orgasms, devotion to the divine, …the higher fruits of tantric nectar, so to speak.
Remove your blockages.
What’s in the way of intimacy between humans are their bad experiences they encountered in early childhood and teenage years. Our society and unconscious parenting really destroys openness and makes all people take on heavy armor to be protected from further pain and fears. These traumas are deeply embedded in our sub-conscious and our body tissues.
Anyone accepting the inner cry for liberation and true quality connections with others will need to remove their own blockages. In being together with another we inevitably transmit our own sub-conscious trauma energies to the other and guess what, their dormant traumas awaken and the stage for tragedy is prepared.
Do I exaggerate? I don’t think so. I am a man with open eyes. I don’t buy the shiny act of pretentious behavior. I feel people and what I feel is predominantly sadness, despair, loneliness and a silent cry for help.
Enroll in the school of intimacy.
I believe that we all need to enroll in the school of intimacy, learn our lessons, shake off our traumas and fears, and then when we meet others we have an entirely different experience that makes us sing ‘life is so beautiful’!